I thought this was the 'home stretch???'

I've just come from the Oncologists office and not only did he admonish me for not taking blood pressure medicine that my heart Dr and I have been talking about, but also he would like me to KEEP my port for another THREE years for medication he would like to prescribe, Zometa. Yes, I realize that this could be the thing that saves my life, yes I realize that the studies look promising, but I want to be DONE...I want this to be OVER, I want it to finally be BEHIND me, and I thought I was getting there. Just yesterday I scheduled the complete hysterectomy for April. Just yesterday I was looking at the incision around my port and thinking that they weren't so bad....Now the recommendation is to extend the infusions by another 3 years and I just want to be done. Short sighted I know...and I'll feel differently tomorrow, but DONE, DONE DONE!

And let's not put aside for one moment the fact that I of course went onto the internet, looked up this drug, saw that it is for bone metastases and got entirely paranoid that I have this too. Wasn't the Dr looking at my labs when he suggested this???? Did something cause him to suddenly think that I need this??? I'm upset all over again and paranoid and confused....! In a moment, they've erased the pseudo calm I was feeling about leaving 'patient' behind and moving onto 'survivor'. In an instant time has actually reversed a full year and my sinuses have cleared out as adrenaline floods in. It's fight or flight and I'm on my way....

But, not until I look around the web just a little more...and ahhh...there it is. The article that instantly makes by sky-high anxiety drop out of the stratosphere and back down to earth.

http://www.bcbs.com/news/wellness/bone-building-drug-zometa-fights-breast-cancer-spread-in-younger-women-may-lead-to-wider-use.html

Ahh...

I revert back to a conversation that I had with my Aunt Carol (a 3 time BC survivor) almost a full year ago. I was newly diagnosed, and crying I asked "Auntie...what do I do???"

She..."Whatever they tell you to"

But for the Grace of God Go I...