Transformation

I've had something of a writer's block. I don't have an explanation...I just haven't felt like writing. A lot's been going on though...

On April 6th I went in for a total hysterectomy, oopharectomy and abdominalplasty. I was the beginning of the end, and for once during this long road, I am thrilled! I have had no complications form the missing 'lady parts'. Not a single hot flash, cramp or dot of blood. Just one day it was there, the next it was gone. Good riddance...

But my tummy...OMG, my tummy is soooo amazing. It looks like someone 'faux painted' a tiny flat belly onto the canvas of my skin. I have an occasional thought, be it awake or asleep, that my belly will come back somehow. That it will unfurl like a giant slinky onto my lap. That I will yawn and all the internal stitches will pop one at a time like pearl buttons on a tight dress. The surgeon assures me that the work is permanent. I feel like I have big belly post traumatic stress disorder. It's real people!

The greatest thing, has been the biggest surprise of the month. I hadn't realized what the 'toll' had been for my survivorship. First there was infertility, then 9/11, then 2 pregnancies, 2 c-sections hundreds of pounds gained and shed, Multiple Sclerosis and of course Bladder and Breast Cancer. I hadn't realized what a price I had paid for survivorship of each of these events. I didn't know that life had chipped away at my femininity, to the point that I didn't really feel beautiful even when told I was. My new tummy brought me back my groove. I always knew that genetically my belly was going to have an uphill battle. My grandmother didn't know that she was pregnant with my Aunt Arlene until she went to the Doctor thinking she was dying from cancer because she was bleeding. His exclamation "You're going to have a baby!" was followed shortly by the birth of Aunt Arlene. She had a big round belly, and I can only speculate...thought she had gas??? So, when I had jelly belly I knew nothing short of a tummy tuck would help. I have been thin and still had a gi-nourmous gut. Finally, the presence of a large fatty lipoma and the hysterectomy recommendation laid opportunity squarely in my lap.

When I look at myself now I barely recognize who I am. Blond, short hair. Medium height and weight, flat belly...who is that?

It's a girl...a real girl...!