Ode to Hair

Let's talk about the big elephant that's been in the room since my March diagnosis. Hair. Countless questions about it...will I loose it? When? Does it come back?

So...here's what I know:

every chemo protocol is different, but mine has a 99.9% chance of falling out. Yes...out, all of it...and, freakishly on day 16. Now...here's how I feel about this:

Everyone I know HATES their hair. It's always 'TOO'

Too:

thick
thin
curly
straight
gray
oily
dry
dark
light
short or long

It's always too. We always want what we can't have. I myself have been to the hair fairy many, many times. Sometimes, I can get away with once a month, sometimes more, much to Josh's outspoken chagrin. (Yes, he did actually say 'well, at least your hair bills will be cheaper'.) In anycase, my naturally curly hair usually gets permanently straightened, and colored and, if I'm feeling particularly cheeky, a highlight or two. When I leave the boutique I must admit that there is almost always an extra bounce in my step. Yet, no matter what, though...there is always the ever illusive goal that I'm striving towards...I am growing it out...growing the bangs out, in between this or that...there's always somewhere to count down to...

So, the prospect of loosing something that I'm not so in love with should seem easy. Especially given that nearly everyone I've spoken to tells me that their hair has grown back completely differently post chemo. Once curly can become straight...and vise versa So, I get to go back to the proverbial gene pool and pick what's behind door number two. Well, firstly, my hair has actually hurt after this first round. And the follicles are itchy. It now NEVER looks good because I refuse to spend ANY money on it if I only have 8 more days to have it at all. So...I'm kind of trying hard to make myself hate it enough to want to shave it off. And, I've gotta say, it's kinda working.

Then, there's the kids. I bought a wig and additionally got a couple of free wigs from the American Cancer Society and thought that a preview for the kids might help ease the shock. My fashion debut was met with shock and horror. My six year old told me to 'take it off mama' and my three year old asked 'what's wrong TO your hair...does it have a boo-boo?' In my mind I had envisioned a playful hour of wig swapping and giggles, but went back to the bedroom and put the 'girls' on their heads to sleep until their time.

I for one have always had big hair. Either curly or straight...it's always been part of my 'look'. I've bought a funky scarf or two and a few rockin' hats, but there's no changing the initial reaction people have when they first see you and realize that you are bald and it's from chemo. Yep...pity. And if people tell you that you look great, what can you really say...? Sometimes I want to be snarky and reply "you mean b/c I'm bald and I so OBVIOUSLY have cancer?" The baldness is the mark of cancer...there's just no hiding it once your bald. And, in case you're thinking 'just throw on the wig' firstly, I will also not had eyebrows or eyelashes...and it's about 100 degrees outside...not quite wig weather. Secondly, let's face it....do I need to get all dolled up to drop Ella off at preschool?

Identity crisis aside, even if you hate your hair, the prospect of loosing every bit of it is scary. Ask even men and they'll agree. It seems so vain to be so emotionally invested in something that's essentially decorative, but it is the one thing that comes up for me and others over and again. Really this entire experience is at some point supposed to give me some PERSPECTIVE and here I am worrying about hair! That being said...I'm worrying about hair.

On a closing note...thank you for all the prayers and love and well wishes....for being my listening board too. You'all have the option to just hit the DELETE key...I have this darn dialogue running in my head!

And why is it that something can be so alluring...gorgeous even...until...it falls in your food and becomes something that can finish an appetite off for that meal?

XOXO