'toxic' positive thinking

Through-out my treatment one of the things people would say to me would be about perspective, or attitude. Now, don't get me wrong, this is a perfectly fine thing to be saying to someone, especially when theirs' is good. In my case, I do have a good attitude, though not necessarily about my cancer. I don't believe in my mind that I will never see this disease again, and that this is my one and only time to conquer cancer. Rather, I have a 'wait and see' attitude. More cautious then optimistic. I was speaking with my friend, who also had breast cancer about this very thing and imploring her to find the 'reason' or life lesson that we learned through this experience. Her comment was "Why are you putting such pressure on your cancer??? Maybe there's no lesson...maybe it just happened." Another said to me 'Imagine if every time that you had a cold or a flu or something else you expected that experience to 'teach' you a lesson. You'd always be disappointed!' Good point. I may never know. And, to that end I must also circle back to my original thought about positive thinking. I know that there are plenty of people out there with a surly, negative, and grouchy nature that just sail through cancer and treatment and never look back again. I also know that there are plenty of positive, laughing cancer victims. I've decided that my thoughts can't change my destiny, but I sure am going to try to have as much fun as I can on my way.

I remember being very little and riding in my cousin's car. They were a few years older than me. They were talking about a girl that they had just waved to on the corner. I even think I remember her name..."Alyssa". Anyway, they were telling each other that Alyssa's complexion was horrible...just riddled with pimples...but, that they never noticed because she was always smiling and had such a beautiful smile. That experience somehow imprinted upon me and throughout the dehumanizing side effects of chemo I remembered to smile. I'm sure that this is what people saw as my 'positive' outlook. I know that for me, remembering how to have fun and move forward past the indignities of baldness and weight gain and orange circled eyes I always had my smile. That never went away. And the pressure of trying to find a life lesson or 'think myself well'...sure...whatever (I say while smiling)...